How to Leave a Place: On Leaving Neijiang

People leave a place in different ways. Some quietly slip away without as much as a “goodbye,” some leave behind memories of their last day with shots after shots at their favorite local bar, some leave with a nice dinner; everyone thanking them for their time and their service to their job. I, on the other hand, was not sure how I wanted to leave because I was in denial I was leaving.

Today, my last day arrived without a care in the world whether or not I was in denial, or how I was feeling, or thinking. That’s the thing about time, it just does not give a shit. It goes and it goes, and it takes and it takes. So with time, in the 2 years I have been here, I created a solid foundation, a nest, a home and now I am leaving it.

Yesterday, I gutted out my whole apartment. I threw away everything from old chopsticks to students’ papers, to clothes and underwear. Everything went down the garbage shoot. When I was done, my apartment was so empty I could hear my voice echo in the room. I eliminated all traces of myself, like I wasn’t even there. What’s behind the wall now? Nothing.

People leave a place in different ways. I still didn’t know how I wanted to leave, but I knew that I didn’t want to be overwhelmed with goodbyes during my last few days here at site. So, today was like any other:

I got up after continuously snoozing the alarm on my phone.

Made a cup of coffee. 

Ate breakfast; cut up a peach, drizzled it with yogurt, cinnamon, and dried cranberries.

Read the NYTimes and other various news sources, all the while simultaneously skimming through my Fbook newsfeed and gmail account.  Skills?

Clean and finish organizing my apartment.

Ate lunch; eggplant curry with chicken. I still can’t get that dish down packed! So frustrating.

Went to the gym.

Showered.

Went for a walk to the office to say bye to the administration. Funny enough, they all left early today.

Came back home.

Met a student who bought me 4 bao zi’s (meat/pork buns). Ate 2.

Another set of students came over to give me a gift and I watched them go through my closet trying on clothes I wasn’t taking back with me. I was so elated to see them all leave with a bag of clothes.

Took a walk down our business street and said hello and goodbye to a few of the local shop owners. I also purchased a few “feelings snacks” to eat later.

Now, here I am typing this.

My day was completely ordinary, as if I wasn’t going anywhere. At first, I was starting to feel bad that my last day wasn’t special. Now I realize I am so glad to end my day as it always is; quiet. I’m happy to sit with a cup of tea, doing exactly what I do every night; relax after a long day.

There is no shame in leaving a place ordinarily.

At the end of this post I realized, the way you leave a place is not about the last day at all. The last day is so minuscule compared to the many other days you spent at that place. How you leave a place shows in what and who you take with you. The experiences, memories, struggles, and triumphs are all coming with me. The people I met who challenged me in positive and negative ways are coming with me, too. And who I have become is certainly coming with me! 

You may be asking, if this is all coming with me, then what am I leaving behind?

Nothing.