How to Leave a Place: On Leaving Neijiang

People leave a place in different ways. Some quietly slip away without as much as a “goodbye,” some leave behind memories of their last day with shots after shots at their favorite local bar, some leave with a nice dinner; everyone thanking them for their time and their service to their job. I, on the other hand, was not sure how I wanted to leave because I was in denial I was leaving.

Today, my last day arrived without a care in the world whether or not I was in denial, or how I was feeling, or thinking. That’s the thing about time, it just does not give a shit. It goes and it goes, and it takes and it takes. So with time, in the 2 years I have been here, I created a solid foundation, a nest, a home and now I am leaving it.

Yesterday, I gutted out my whole apartment. I threw away everything from old chopsticks to students’ papers, to clothes and underwear. Everything went down the garbage shoot. When I was done, my apartment was so empty I could hear my voice echo in the room. I eliminated all traces of myself, like I wasn’t even there. What’s behind the wall now? Nothing.

People leave a place in different ways. I still didn’t know how I wanted to leave, but I knew that I didn’t want to be overwhelmed with goodbyes during my last few days here at site. So, today was like any other:

I got up after continuously snoozing the alarm on my phone.

Made a cup of coffee. 

Ate breakfast; cut up a peach, drizzled it with yogurt, cinnamon, and dried cranberries.

Read the NYTimes and other various news sources, all the while simultaneously skimming through my Fbook newsfeed and gmail account.  Skills?

Clean and finish organizing my apartment.

Ate lunch; eggplant curry with chicken. I still can’t get that dish down packed! So frustrating.

Went to the gym.

Showered.

Went for a walk to the office to say bye to the administration. Funny enough, they all left early today.

Came back home.

Met a student who bought me 4 bao zi’s (meat/pork buns). Ate 2.

Another set of students came over to give me a gift and I watched them go through my closet trying on clothes I wasn’t taking back with me. I was so elated to see them all leave with a bag of clothes.

Took a walk down our business street and said hello and goodbye to a few of the local shop owners. I also purchased a few “feelings snacks” to eat later.

Now, here I am typing this.

My day was completely ordinary, as if I wasn’t going anywhere. At first, I was starting to feel bad that my last day wasn’t special. Now I realize I am so glad to end my day as it always is; quiet. I’m happy to sit with a cup of tea, doing exactly what I do every night; relax after a long day.

There is no shame in leaving a place ordinarily.

At the end of this post I realized, the way you leave a place is not about the last day at all. The last day is so minuscule compared to the many other days you spent at that place. How you leave a place shows in what and who you take with you. The experiences, memories, struggles, and triumphs are all coming with me. The people I met who challenged me in positive and negative ways are coming with me, too. And who I have become is certainly coming with me! 

You may be asking, if this is all coming with me, then what am I leaving behind?

Nothing. 

Messages my Students Taught Me

From one of my previous blogs (A Day in the Life of Fei), some of you are aware of the trouble I had trying to teach my sophomore Public Speaking and Debate class. One of my biggest issues with this course was the class size ; 63-78 students per class. I have had these students before and I absolutely adore them, but by the end of the week, I was exhausted and my voice was gone from using all my energy to make this class enjoyable.

For my students' final exam, I wanted them to be able to deliver a speech using the techniques I taught them in regards to public speaking. In order to motivate and create ownership in their work, I gave my students 4 choices of topics they could write about for their final They had to deliver the speech in the front of class, pretending as if they were really delivering a speech. Below are the choices for their final exam (culminating assessment) .:

1)   Write a wedding speech for your best friend's wedding. 

2)   Write a speech to the people of China explaining why they should vote for you as the next Chairwoman / man of China.

3) Write a eulogy for someone you love (who has either already passed or what you hope to say to someone who will leave you one day.)

 4)  Write a letter to your future baby.

Each choice had specific questions and outlines for how they would write the speech and what I wanted them to think about when writing and reflecting. I spent about 2 weeks hearing hundreds of speeches and each one touched my heart. Each speech was personal, thoughtful, charming and completely individual to the person. I learned more about my students in the last 2 weeks with them  than I ever had teaching them on a weekly bases for 2 years. In the End, they taught me more than I will ever teach them. Below are some of the messages they shared in their speeches :

For my best friend's Wedding :

Do not give up your career at any time. Married life is a part of life, it is not wise to let it become your whole life.

To those who have passed:

I will be living life, not only surviving it.

In a dream, you came to me and I said I was sorry for letting you down. I thought maybe you blamed me, but you said, '(I have been) holding your hand for 15 years, how could I be willing to ever let you go? '

Messages to their future children: 
As the saying goes, happiness is the soul of life.

Helping others is helping ourselves.

The moment we come to this world, the first thing we should learn is how to love. Love is the basic virtue of human beings ... Sometimes people may hate you, but do not hate them back. Hate can not fix anything, it can only bring us a miserable life ... When I was your age, your grandpa told me, 'as a man, you have to take responsibility for whatever you do. Admit every mistake you make and take whatever you do onto your shoulders. 'Remember, you will never say ' I am not responsible for this because ... 'These words belong to cowards.

Yes you will find cruelty and suffering in your journey through life, but do not let that close you off to new things. Do not retreat from life, do not hide or wall yourself off. Be open to new things, new experiences, and new people. You might get your heart broken 10 Times, but  find the most suitable  person on the 11 ^TH time. If you shut yourself off from love, you will miss out on that person.

Females are the most important part of my life. One of the first (women in my life) is your great-grandmother. Then it is your grandmother. I'm her son. The other important person is my wife. You look like her.

The most important thing I want to tell you is about love. Love is the most wonderful thing in this world. In the future, you may be a teacher, engineer, or an actor. You can choose your life and you may learn all kinds of knowledge. But the first skill you must learn is how to love. 

Your identity will make you beautiful.

Appreciate tragedies because they will enrich your mind.

We are born in love, we live by love.

The whole world is a village and you are a member of it.

At last, your life is decided by yourself, so enjoy it.

This activity and many others are a constant reminder that my students are experienced and their advice comes from their life and what has happened to them. It was beautiful to watch their stories come together. What was even more beautiful was their willingness to share their personal thoughts with me. For this, I am forever grateful and honored.

A Forever Memory

It’s funny how it is near the end of something momentous when we realize how much a place, person, or way of life has become a huge part of ourselves. It is in the end that we begin to question, How will I live without this person? Or, nowhere is like this place, where do I go from here? Or, I am so comfortable with the way my life has been, how can I adapt to another change; something unknown- something new, again?  As people, when you really fall into something or someone we love, we tend to put our all-we invest in moments of forever. Forever. Although we all know and consciously understand that forever does not really exist, we imagine ourselves in what I like to call, a forever memory. A forever memory can be people, experiences, words, or anything we remember (positive or negative) that we carry with us in what seems like a forever-lifetime.

One of my forever memories, will be the place I served; Neijiang, and all the people and things I did here. It has become so much a part of me that I can’t even visualize myself anywhere else. I can’t seem to decorate another apartment in my head because the only one I see is my apartment here. I can’t see myself going to Pathmark again because the only place I see myself grocery shopping is at the back market. I can’t imagine myself leaving Neijiang. I haven’t even had a chance to really sit and process leaving because I have been so busy. I have been unfair to myself and to my forever memories; forgetting to write them down, forgetting to reflect, forgetting to let myself take a moment to smile about them, or cry.

Yet, here I am. At the end of one of my forever memories, stuck and confused as to how I got here so quickly. Recently, I have had quite a few “see you another time” lunches and dinners. All of them have felt like I would truly and honestly be seeing these specific people again. As if our paths in life will meet again. Have a convinced myself of this or is this really true? I don’t know. I won’t know until it happens or it doesn’t. With each lunch and dinner I have had, I have tried my best to channel good positive energy towards my friends and students. I hope and wish and pray for them in my heart as I watch them walk away and move into new experiences.

I turn my head back to look one final time as I watch them go and my heart warms because every time, every time they look back, too.