The day after Christmas, I did something that may seem ordinary
to some people, but was so empowering for me as a young woman. I cooked myself
a nice meal, poured myself a glass of wine, sat down quietly and ate it. I
didn't have my cell phone in my hand, I wasn't busy taking pictures of my food
and sharing it with my friends, nor was I thinking about how pathetic I was to
be sitting in my messy dining room eating dinner by myself. I was so completely
grateful for the moment of solace. What
I have learned to appreciate more living on my own is the simple fact of living
on my own. The freedom, the luxury, and the quiet is so beautiful and I wonder
if I've been fully appreciating it for the year and a half I've been living in China.
As I ate dinner, I thought to myself, “I may never have this moment again when I move back to NY.” At
least, not any time soon. The other day, I was having a conversation with a
fellow volunteer, and she was talking about the added free time to her schedule
and how she has more time to give herself to her community. Although, I agree that
giving yourself to your community is important and helps create a well-rounded
experience, I think having more time to give to yourself is equally important (if not
more). I take more time to work out than to do the dishes or clean my house, I
take more time to sit and write than to stay up 2 hours later than usual
grading work that I can grade the next day, and I take more time to sit with
myself than have conversations about the same thing over and over again. Therefore,
I have deemed the rest of my time in China as not only a time to create
continuous memories with the people here, but also the time for me to be selfish.
Being selfish has had the worst connotation and sometimes it
should. However, when I say I am going to be selfish, it means I am going to
give to myself everything great I keep giving to others. It doesn't mean that I
will stop giving. Giving is in my nature, it makes up a good percentage of who
I am. But now, I am going to take. I
am going to give to myself and take it. Lately, I have been watching my dearest
friends go through agonizing breakups. Sometimes, after a break-up we may tell
ourselves, “Well, maybe this happened because I am going to find someone better.”
I use to tell myself that all the time. Now, I am realizing and telling others,
“Now it’s the time to meet yourself.” Do shit for you, it’s the greatest thing
you can do for yourself.
Unless I move into an apartment in NY, I’m never going to
have this moment again for a while and I need to enjoy these moments. I need to
sit down and eat dinner quietly that I cooked by myself. A meal that I don’t
have to share with anyone, or sit and have mundane conversation about my day,
or ask someone how their fuckin’ day was. I’m just eating by myself and it’s
the most wonderful thing in the world. This is one of the reasons I am here, so
I can live alone- with myself.
