How to Leave a Place: On Leaving Neijiang

People leave a place in different ways. Some quietly slip away without as much as a “goodbye,” some leave behind memories of their last day with shots after shots at their favorite local bar, some leave with a nice dinner; everyone thanking them for their time and their service to their job. I, on the other hand, was not sure how I wanted to leave because I was in denial I was leaving.

Today, my last day arrived without a care in the world whether or not I was in denial, or how I was feeling, or thinking. That’s the thing about time, it just does not give a shit. It goes and it goes, and it takes and it takes. So with time, in the 2 years I have been here, I created a solid foundation, a nest, a home and now I am leaving it.

Yesterday, I gutted out my whole apartment. I threw away everything from old chopsticks to students’ papers, to clothes and underwear. Everything went down the garbage shoot. When I was done, my apartment was so empty I could hear my voice echo in the room. I eliminated all traces of myself, like I wasn’t even there. What’s behind the wall now? Nothing.

People leave a place in different ways. I still didn’t know how I wanted to leave, but I knew that I didn’t want to be overwhelmed with goodbyes during my last few days here at site. So, today was like any other:

I got up after continuously snoozing the alarm on my phone.

Made a cup of coffee. 

Ate breakfast; cut up a peach, drizzled it with yogurt, cinnamon, and dried cranberries.

Read the NYTimes and other various news sources, all the while simultaneously skimming through my Fbook newsfeed and gmail account.  Skills?

Clean and finish organizing my apartment.

Ate lunch; eggplant curry with chicken. I still can’t get that dish down packed! So frustrating.

Went to the gym.

Showered.

Went for a walk to the office to say bye to the administration. Funny enough, they all left early today.

Came back home.

Met a student who bought me 4 bao zi’s (meat/pork buns). Ate 2.

Another set of students came over to give me a gift and I watched them go through my closet trying on clothes I wasn’t taking back with me. I was so elated to see them all leave with a bag of clothes.

Took a walk down our business street and said hello and goodbye to a few of the local shop owners. I also purchased a few “feelings snacks” to eat later.

Now, here I am typing this.

My day was completely ordinary, as if I wasn’t going anywhere. At first, I was starting to feel bad that my last day wasn’t special. Now I realize I am so glad to end my day as it always is; quiet. I’m happy to sit with a cup of tea, doing exactly what I do every night; relax after a long day.

There is no shame in leaving a place ordinarily.

At the end of this post I realized, the way you leave a place is not about the last day at all. The last day is so minuscule compared to the many other days you spent at that place. How you leave a place shows in what and who you take with you. The experiences, memories, struggles, and triumphs are all coming with me. The people I met who challenged me in positive and negative ways are coming with me, too. And who I have become is certainly coming with me! 

You may be asking, if this is all coming with me, then what am I leaving behind?

Nothing. 

Messages my Students Taught Me

From one of my previous blogs (A Day in the Life of Fei), some of you are aware of the trouble I had trying to teach my sophomore Public Speaking and Debate class. One of my biggest issues with this course was the class size ; 63-78 students per class. I have had these students before and I absolutely adore them, but by the end of the week, I was exhausted and my voice was gone from using all my energy to make this class enjoyable.

For my students' final exam, I wanted them to be able to deliver a speech using the techniques I taught them in regards to public speaking. In order to motivate and create ownership in their work, I gave my students 4 choices of topics they could write about for their final They had to deliver the speech in the front of class, pretending as if they were really delivering a speech. Below are the choices for their final exam (culminating assessment) .:

1)   Write a wedding speech for your best friend's wedding. 

2)   Write a speech to the people of China explaining why they should vote for you as the next Chairwoman / man of China.

3) Write a eulogy for someone you love (who has either already passed or what you hope to say to someone who will leave you one day.)

 4)  Write a letter to your future baby.

Each choice had specific questions and outlines for how they would write the speech and what I wanted them to think about when writing and reflecting. I spent about 2 weeks hearing hundreds of speeches and each one touched my heart. Each speech was personal, thoughtful, charming and completely individual to the person. I learned more about my students in the last 2 weeks with them  than I ever had teaching them on a weekly bases for 2 years. In the End, they taught me more than I will ever teach them. Below are some of the messages they shared in their speeches :

For my best friend's Wedding :

Do not give up your career at any time. Married life is a part of life, it is not wise to let it become your whole life.

To those who have passed:

I will be living life, not only surviving it.

In a dream, you came to me and I said I was sorry for letting you down. I thought maybe you blamed me, but you said, '(I have been) holding your hand for 15 years, how could I be willing to ever let you go? '

Messages to their future children: 
As the saying goes, happiness is the soul of life.

Helping others is helping ourselves.

The moment we come to this world, the first thing we should learn is how to love. Love is the basic virtue of human beings ... Sometimes people may hate you, but do not hate them back. Hate can not fix anything, it can only bring us a miserable life ... When I was your age, your grandpa told me, 'as a man, you have to take responsibility for whatever you do. Admit every mistake you make and take whatever you do onto your shoulders. 'Remember, you will never say ' I am not responsible for this because ... 'These words belong to cowards.

Yes you will find cruelty and suffering in your journey through life, but do not let that close you off to new things. Do not retreat from life, do not hide or wall yourself off. Be open to new things, new experiences, and new people. You might get your heart broken 10 Times, but  find the most suitable  person on the 11 ^TH time. If you shut yourself off from love, you will miss out on that person.

Females are the most important part of my life. One of the first (women in my life) is your great-grandmother. Then it is your grandmother. I'm her son. The other important person is my wife. You look like her.

The most important thing I want to tell you is about love. Love is the most wonderful thing in this world. In the future, you may be a teacher, engineer, or an actor. You can choose your life and you may learn all kinds of knowledge. But the first skill you must learn is how to love. 

Your identity will make you beautiful.

Appreciate tragedies because they will enrich your mind.

We are born in love, we live by love.

The whole world is a village and you are a member of it.

At last, your life is decided by yourself, so enjoy it.

This activity and many others are a constant reminder that my students are experienced and their advice comes from their life and what has happened to them. It was beautiful to watch their stories come together. What was even more beautiful was their willingness to share their personal thoughts with me. For this, I am forever grateful and honored.

A Forever Memory

It’s funny how it is near the end of something momentous when we realize how much a place, person, or way of life has become a huge part of ourselves. It is in the end that we begin to question, How will I live without this person? Or, nowhere is like this place, where do I go from here? Or, I am so comfortable with the way my life has been, how can I adapt to another change; something unknown- something new, again?  As people, when you really fall into something or someone we love, we tend to put our all-we invest in moments of forever. Forever. Although we all know and consciously understand that forever does not really exist, we imagine ourselves in what I like to call, a forever memory. A forever memory can be people, experiences, words, or anything we remember (positive or negative) that we carry with us in what seems like a forever-lifetime.

One of my forever memories, will be the place I served; Neijiang, and all the people and things I did here. It has become so much a part of me that I can’t even visualize myself anywhere else. I can’t seem to decorate another apartment in my head because the only one I see is my apartment here. I can’t see myself going to Pathmark again because the only place I see myself grocery shopping is at the back market. I can’t imagine myself leaving Neijiang. I haven’t even had a chance to really sit and process leaving because I have been so busy. I have been unfair to myself and to my forever memories; forgetting to write them down, forgetting to reflect, forgetting to let myself take a moment to smile about them, or cry.

Yet, here I am. At the end of one of my forever memories, stuck and confused as to how I got here so quickly. Recently, I have had quite a few “see you another time” lunches and dinners. All of them have felt like I would truly and honestly be seeing these specific people again. As if our paths in life will meet again. Have a convinced myself of this or is this really true? I don’t know. I won’t know until it happens or it doesn’t. With each lunch and dinner I have had, I have tried my best to channel good positive energy towards my friends and students. I hope and wish and pray for them in my heart as I watch them walk away and move into new experiences.

I turn my head back to look one final time as I watch them go and my heart warms because every time, every time they look back, too.

Typical Day in the Life of Fei

Typical Day in the Life of Fei

(I’m writing this to avoid writing my Teach NY essays).

Wednesday:

Well, first I don’t hear the rooster that lives in the building next to mine anymore. So, no more 4 am wake up calls. Someone must have made some yummy Gong bao ji ding (Kung Pao Chicken).

9:15-9:30: Drag myself out of bed because chances are I didn't sleep well or at all the night before. So, let me be realistic…

9:45: Get out of bed for real this time. Make coffee/tea. Brush my teeth. Find clothes to wear (which, lately, are the clothes I wore the previous day). Maybe comb my hair. Maybe.

10:00: We have a school “jingle” that goes off many times throughout the day.

1^st jingle: Start walking/running to class or you’re going to be late.

2^nd jingle: Class has begun.

3^rd jingle: Beginning of break (15 minutes)-

4^th jingle: Break is over. Most annoying jingle ever.

5^th jingle: Class is over.

These jingles go on all day-every day. Even on Sundays. Even in the summer when there is no class.

10:10-11:50: Extensive Reading course with freshman. I’m starting to really enjoy this course and this particular class that I teach on Wednesdays. They are the most vocal and interested out of the two reading courses I teach. I rarely finish teaching my whole lesson because my students have insightful things to say. My favorite part when inquiring how they know the answers to my questions is when they say, “Well, in chapter 5, it says…” I am always floored.

11:50-2:15: This is when China pretty much is the busiest and then the quietest. Or, at least, it is on my campus. Students and faculty rush home or to the canteen to get food. The lines are ridiculously long and people just want to get in and out so they can take a nap.  This is when I usually see grandmothers outside with their grandchildren. All the grandmothers know me and I find immense joy in stopping to say hello even if it means I’ll be late to class. This is also when I decide, “Am I really hungry?” Usually the answer is ‘No, not that hungry.’ And, then I knock out for about 2 hours.

2:15: Rush to get out of the door because I have class again. Say hello to babies and grandmothers again. Run down or up the big hill near my house to get to class. That hill set the foundation for the muscles I now have in my legs and booty! Yay to unintentional exercise.

2:20-4:00: Speech and Debate. Lately, I have been disliking teaching this course because it’s not like teaching “Speaking/Oral English,” so I can’t necessarily use all the same material from my Oral English class. This is about a specific technique and I haven’t had the time to hard-core lesson plan. This will and must happen!

4:00-6:30: This is the biggest break I have in my day before my last class. During this time, I usually check in with my co-teacher who translates my lesson plans and reading material. She is such a hard worker and we make a great team. After I get everything I need, I triple check my lesson plans, make copies for my class, and gather any other materials I may need to teach. I make dinner and eat early! Before heading to class I always go to the convenient store to buy a little snack (yogurt, gum, piece of chocolate), which literally is located downstairs in my apartment building. This is where I spend most of my Peace Corps stipend.

7:00-8:40: American Women’s Studies and Gender Equality. Great, small class! My co-teacher and I have a better dynamic than we did last semester. Last semester teaching this course was a lot of trial and error, but was a success in the end! So, we are doing it together again and it’s been great so far.

8:40-9:15: Talk to students and my co-teacher reflecting on the lesson we did, answer any questions they may have, or just catch-up on our day. I also say hi to the neighborhood families as they take their evening strolls on campus. Play with babies/kids outside.

9:15-10:00: Make sure I am prepared to teach tomorrow. Check my e-mail/fbook/buzzfeed, eat yogurt because I am hungry again.

12:00am: Bed!

Living Alone aka Meeting Yourself

The day after Christmas, I did something that may seem ordinary to some people, but was so empowering for me as a young woman. I cooked myself a nice meal, poured myself a glass of wine, sat down quietly and ate it. I didn't have my cell phone in my hand, I wasn't busy taking pictures of my food and sharing it with my friends, nor was I thinking about how pathetic I was to be sitting in my messy dining room eating dinner by myself. I was so completely grateful for the moment of solace.  What I have learned to appreciate more living on my own is the simple fact of living on my own. The freedom, the luxury, and the quiet is so beautiful and I wonder if I've been fully appreciating it for the year and a half I've been living in China.

As I ate dinner, I thought to myself, “I may never have this moment again when I move back to NY.” At least, not any time soon. The other day, I was having a conversation with a fellow volunteer, and she was talking about the added free time to her schedule and how she has more time to give herself to her community. Although, I agree that giving yourself to your community is important and helps create a well-rounded experience, I think having more time to give to yourself is equally important (if not more). I take more time to work out than to do the dishes or clean my house, I take more time to sit and write than to stay up 2 hours later than usual grading work that I can grade the next day, and I take more time to sit with myself than have conversations about the same thing over and over again. Therefore, I have deemed the rest of my time in China as not only a time to create continuous memories with the people here, but also the time for me to be selfish.

Being selfish has had the worst connotation and sometimes it should. However, when I say I am going to be selfish, it means I am going to give to myself everything great I keep giving to others. It doesn't mean that I will stop giving. Giving is in my nature, it makes up a good percentage of who I am. But now, I am going to take. I am going to give to myself and take it. Lately, I have been watching my dearest friends go through agonizing breakups. Sometimes, after a break-up we may tell ourselves, “Well, maybe this happened because I am going to find someone better.” I use to tell myself that all the time. Now, I am realizing and telling others, “Now it’s the time to meet yourself.” Do shit for you, it’s the greatest thing you can do for yourself.

Unless I move into an apartment in NY, I’m never going to have this moment again for a while and I need to enjoy these moments. I need to sit down and eat dinner quietly that I cooked by myself. A meal that I don’t have to share with anyone, or sit and have mundane conversation about my day, or ask someone how their fuckin’ day was. I’m just eating by myself and it’s the most wonderful thing in the world. This is one of the reasons I am here, so I can live alone- with myself.