What living abroad for a year has taught me...

If I looked back a year or two ago, I’d say I wouldn’t be surprised at where I am now. I have always wanted to live abroad, I’ve always wanted to be a part of the program I am involved with, and I am a go-getter for my dreams, so here I am. Proud, feeling accomplished, and exhausted, this is what living abroad for a year has taught me.

1.           When I lived abroad for three months in a village in Gujarat, India, I thought it would be all peaches and cream. I mean, I had been to India twice before and had seen “everything” from the metropolises to cow-dung streets, but living those 3 months in India was a different story. I had no idea how to go with the flow and I was simply tired of getting things done through Gujarat’s bureaucratic system. Now, I can finally say: I have become much better at going with the flow. My good-ole’ friends reading this might be thinking, “Yeah, right. Her middle name is ‘over-think’.” Don’t be so down, my friends, it still is. The up-side is I am not the same “over-thinker” I was a year ago. Now, I am more like Holy sh*t, I have to get this done now, but it’s okay if I have to wait longer for it to happen. That’s the problem with some us who come from the States, or at least, New York, we expect everything to happen 1-2-3- quick and easy. Yeah, China just isn’t like that sometimes. Everything happens when it needs to or when it feels like it wants to happen, and these days I am finally sort of-okay with just sitting down and waiting.
2.        I have been blessed to have some great friends who have stood by me at my best times and my flaky times. Man, was I a flake. Plan something with me on Monday for Saturday and then Saturday rolls around and for some “odd” reason, I cancel. I canceled plans frequently and for two main reasons: I was not spontaneous, so there was no calling me last minute and saying “Hey, let’s go out for drinks!” because that just wasn’t my style. Two, I lived at home with my family and I did not want to get into the conversation of “Felicia, do you think this is a hotel? You could just come and go when you want?” Therefore, as a 22, 23 year old young lady, I asked permission to leave the house. If I didn’t want to ask because I felt nervous or I felt I felt like I went out “too much” (meaning only once that week), I just thought of what my mom would say if I did go out, so “No” is what I heard in my head and what I said out loud.  Living on my own has taught me to un-flake.  I gladly say yes to last minute invitations, invitations so last minute I just jump out of bed, get dressed, and head on over to where I need to be. I could never imagine myself doing this in the States.
3.         It’s not easy living and growing up in New York City, the key location for fashion and looks. Not only is growing up in NYC a little bit of a challenge for a short, curvy, Indian woman, but developing your own style while watching television, reading magazines, and still living at home with your parents makes all that 10 times harder. I am confident enough to admit that I was definitely very self-conscious. I have grown up most of my life hearing how fat I was from various relatives, who were quite fat themselves, that I wore baggy clothes all the time. I have also have never gone to an event-or walked out the door-without someone mentioning how short I am. These two things and many other continuous reminders of my imperfections never really allowed me to develop a self-awareness of what I thought I really looked like.  Living on my own, in general, has allowed me to create my own style, feel comfortable, and actually walk past a mirror and smile at how great I look. Granted, I still have a ways to go, but I am reaching the point of deep appreciation for my curves, my height, my jelly-belly, and my smile. No one can make you appreciate your self-worth but yourself.
4.            There are days when I just do not want to do anything. I do not want to lesson plan, I do not want to work out, and I do not want to make any lists. There are days when I prolong procrastination to the point where I will get up at 6 in the morning to lesson plan for my class that starts at 8. I had no sense of discipline, but I had whole lot of dreams. Nothing was happening for the future because I barely wanted to get up for work-study in college. I have met my fair share of people here who are so disciplined, nothing shakes them out of their routine. I have come to admire this quality so much that I, too, am trying to be as disciplined in my life as possible. When I say, “disciplined,” I mean, I do what I say. If I am going to work out today, I work out, if I am not going to eat gluten for two weeks, I do not eat gluten. Doing what I say, whether it’s big or small, makes me more successful in my daily and future life. It’s not as easy as it looks, believe me, I’ve failed plenty of times and I am still failing, but the difference is that this time I get up and start over, again and again.
5.             Ever since high school, I have felt that the bigger my social-circle was, the better and happier I would feel. While living abroad, my circle has become significantly smaller. I have quickly learned to weed out who has made the conscious efforts to keep in contact with me and who hasn’t. I have learned who I want to make the conscious efforts to keep in contact with and those who I won’t be talking to outside of “liking” their Facebook posts. My guidance counselor in high school once said to me, “By the time you become a full-grown adult, you’ll be able to count your real friends on one hand and have some fingers left over.” Well, I don’t think I am a “full-grown” adult (yet), I am so glad I can still count on the fingers (friends and family) who have helped living abroad much easier.  As my friend, Keith once said and sang, “I am glad I got Feifei’s golden ticket.” I’m glad, too.
6.         I think the things that make us happy nowadays are short lived. We are happy when we are “liked” by people we may or may not have ever met, happy when we get something we want, or eat something just because it’s available and we crave it. The happiness I have received living abroad is one where I look at my daily life, the wonderful students I teach, and the great people I have met and I feel eternally happy-deep down in my heart. This happiness was found by being vulnerable and allowing myself to experience a culture and its people in ways I never imagined I would. Vulnerability allowed me to open up a whole new space within me to dare myself and do things, say things, and really develop my own way of life.  
7.         Studying at AU, I learned what it really means to gain experience teaching. I do not believe that an “experienced” teacher is one who has 1-3 years of experience. However, although I have only have 2 years of teaching experience, I have learned to value what I know and be open to learning and experiencing different teaching techniques/methods. I am a very different teacher here in China than I would be back home in New York. For one thing, I teach English as a language in China, which is the main difference from teaching English literature in New York. Neither is easy to teach, both take time to learn and master and I have a long way to go to master either one.
8.        Making a difference is hard. It’s not easy to understand or figure out how you can make a difference somewhere for someone. I want to change the world-for the better-for the good. I now understand that changing the world means simply-helping at least one person. It could be someone you’ve never met before, someone you see in your classroom, or when you go to the market every week, but helping someone means you created a domino effect. I am definitely certain that I want a future where I am helping people. Teaching is a wonderful profession and I will continue it wherever I go.
9.       You can’t have it all. I have been struggling with the idea that women can’t have it all. I think that we end up sacrificing something, at home or in our career. I want to have both and it’s the first time in my life where I am at the point where I can happily admit I want a husband and family one day. Yet, at 25, I am still thinking it is impossible; not with my traveling and starting social entrepreneurship projects, or teaching. I will have to sacrifice things and I am willing to do that, but for how long and at what price? These are questions I am beginning to ask myself and I hope one day I can find an answer, but for now, I am happy I can admit that I want both.

I have learned so much about myself this past year and I am glad I finally have time to reflect on it and build upon myself and my future. I am excited to see what the next year has in store for me. I am already beginning new chapters I never thought I would while living abroad. I am grateful for the continuous support I receive from family, friends, colleagues, and students. Finally, I am grateful for pushing myself through everything I didn’t think I could do or get through. Here, I am and boy, am I happy!